Here and now…
So, here we are. I mean this in both a literal and a figurative way; I'm here, sitting down to document my thoughts and interpretations from the past year, but I'm also here, feeling completely present and aware of this moment. I feel the keys under my fingers, the light from the screen hitting my eyes, and I hear the cars driving past outside. I'm here.
The same cannot necessarily be said for the past year. Being "here" typically meant being at home, moving from the bed, to the couch, to the kitchen, in random patterns throughout each day. There definitely were moments when I was here, noticing the fear, sadness, and uncertainty that the events from the past months have brought us all. I was also here when I took the time to cook a new meal, listen to the lyrics of a long-favorited song, or experience the joy that came along with the silly moments my partner and I experienced together. I'll also admit that there were many moments when I was not here, nor did I want to be here. Hours on the couch, watching television, trying to avoid anything that required thought or effort, drinking a bottle of champagne on a Tuesday morning because the world stopped. It amazes me sometimes, how I can feel so incredibly connected to my being and purpose in this present moment, and just how disconnected I wanted to be then.
Notice though, that I don't mention guilt. Or shame. Or regret. I can recognize that a decision I made wasn’t especially helpful, without wallowing in it. Instead, why not take what I learned from my experience, and simply choose to do respond differently the next time. There's something to be said for recognizing our weaker, less-attuned moments, and practicing empathy with ourselves in the same way we would with a friend. (Perhaps I'm just trying to feel better about the fact that I spoke to myself, out loud, as I would have to another person...but we all cope with being lonely in different ways.)
I took an unintended break. I stopped working to grow my practice, both personally and professionally. I spent time indulging in creative expression, which was very enjoyable. I also did a lot of absolutely nothing, and that's okay, too.
There's been a big push to share about what you learned during lockdown. What new skill did you develop? What did you discover about yourself? How did you grow during these trying times? If you have an answer for these questions, that's great, and I truly hope that you enjoyed the time you spent focusing on new endeavors. If it feels like you're lost for answers, or the biggest accomplishment you can think of is washing, folding, and putting away your laundry all in the same day...or three days...that's great, too. Because there's no point in putting the unnecessary pressure on ourselves at this point. We just went through some serious shit. And some of us are still going through it, or are just deeper into the shit that already existed.
So, here we are. You may be facing some things that feel insurmountable. You may be looking to start something new. Maybe you're just looking for someone to help get you started. You're here, in this moment, and so am I. Be here with me.